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I am not perfect.

March 23, 2013

Well, the truth is no one is perfect. Perfection that you see is a mirage that a person created based on preconceived expectation and desire. In time that might fade or accentuate depending on how all actors perform their roles.

Flaws made us human and because of this flaw we strive for perfection. A vicious cycle that confuse and drain. Nonetheless, mistakes prove that we are trying. And try is all we need to utilise opportunity given to us.

you either be first, be smarter or you cheat.

Truth is when morning comes, this feeling of inadequacy will further develop that I would be calmer when the actual time arrive. What if scenarios flashes with probabilities stacked against the desired outcome frustratingly which is baffling.

All in all, fortune favours the brave, and currently that is the only luxury that I might be able to utilise. I hope I don’t dissapoint.



A battle within. Win. And lose.

December 18, 2012

Amir Sulaiman – isra’


her mouth could martyr me
between her parted lips is
a house of God
in a pasture
in a parish
in this parish
i will perish

her eye lashes are caskets
with each blink goes my breath
all of my manners unmasked
in a massacre in her mascara

the naked nape of her neck
could break mine
her blood
under her skin
my heart
my heart

i will
not mention her back
or her thigh
or her belly
or her bent hip

suffice it to say
i will not make it out alive


she says im not what i seem
i said youre right
im falling apart at the seams
falling into a dream
that is swelling between
your heavy
my heaven
all the words ive breathed
only mean
i will drink your wine
into a silly stupid stupor
a jester for the sober losers
fa inna mal usri yusra
i am in difficulty
oh my yusrah
show me heaven
beneath your kiswa
show me heaven
oh my isra


infinite intimate
only moments
without minutes
only movements
without moments
only meanings
without movement
until you are exploding
but still


fa inna mal usri yusra
i am in difficulty
oh my yusrah
show me heaven
beneath your kiswa
show me heaven
oh my isra

I am a travelling man. I’m not ready yet. I am trying.



November 2, 2012

Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

Alfred,Lord Tennyson (1809-1892) 1833

Deconstructing black 239

October 8, 2012

Disappointment has somewhat been a recurrent theme for 239 ever since ’08. Partly due to expectation, partly also due to ignorance.

The same can’t be said this year. Wonderful family & friends has made this quarter of century as blissful as I can ever expect it. To this, I am grateful to share pieces of my heart and mind, and for a long time shall it remain in my mind.

The birthday do!

First ever personally baked cake and first present after a very very very long time. Thank you!

The wolf pack

Late night shisha session. First Candled cake since ages.

Surprise for The Don.

Never had a themed birthday surprise. Special mention to the hot french and italian vixens. Andddddd the sweetest instigator who read this 🙂

To the next 25 years, may ‘us’ remains.



Quarter century. Still alone.

September 23, 2012

Suppose it is the best time of the year. Surrounded with camaraderie and worldly-substitute of happiness. Suppose you’d get pleasure and got through the night sharing blanket and body heat. Suppose the belly is filled to the brink and laugh contagiously filled the open space interspersed by wet snorts.


Perhaps I’ll just be happy with this cup of coffee I’m having.

The Person

June 22, 2012

Whoever could’ve guess where life sail towards. Opportunities arises, chances missed, disappointment occurs, bliss blossoms. You seek what need to be clear and heal whatever that is hurt. C’est la vie.

The boss once said to me, ” In a relationship, there’s always someone who would love more than the other. Find someone who would’ve loved you more than you do”. Though I find it selfish, it does hold some truth. Only by loving someone more would allow a relationship to remains status quo. This is because if both love equally when crisis come both will then also hate equally.

In a market economy, the non-existence equilibrium creates opportunity. In a relationship, a mismatch level of love creates opportunity to establish a relationship foundation.

Being a “person” to someone is key to this. The longing and dependence creates demand which will then incite supply. Emotional sparks are the price and it will forever be demanding.

I wish that when the time come, I will rise. As I had before and then shattered in the aftermath. Intensity is me. And you will like it or you won’t, but I will always be like this. I’m done trying to accomodate and coming second best. I’m done.

Will you be the one?

February 13, 2012
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All I have are the choices I make, and I choose her, come what may. 

(David Norris in The Adjustment Bureau, 2011).


When I chooses, it will not be rash. All would be laid on the table for you to make the best possible choice. Haste has never benefited me, and my appreciation of time grew as maturity comes. By knowing, it gives me the courage to weather whatever freak storm that rises upon us. Come what may, even when the past has scarred me in the worst possible way. Because by then, my heart is yours as yours mine.

Hence my question to you is – will you be the one?